FROM THE FIELD'S!!

Rodney Dangerfield  Once said:


My  wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to  time an egg.


It's  tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she  won't drink from my glass!

Last  night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee.  The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A  girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went  over. Nobody was home!

A  hooker once told me she had a headache.

I  went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If  it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at  all.

I was  making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going  to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself  now.'

I  knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you  put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes  off.

I  knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex  offenders.

My  wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the  roaches hang themselves.

I'm  so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for  mooning.

The  other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'  He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My  wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for  Alka-Seltzer.

I  know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the  Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My  wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the  meal.

My  wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago  last night.

MY FAVORITE:
My family was so poor  that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play  with.

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

 1.  My husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought 
he was God and I didn't.
 2.  I don't suffer from insanity;  I enjoy every damn minute of it. 
 3.  Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 
 4.  I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 
 5. Don't take life too seriously;  no one gets out alive. 
 6.  You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 
 7.  Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 
 8.  Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 
 9.  I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are just missing.   
10.  Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.   
11.  NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning 
medicine. 
12.  God must love stupid people;  He made so many. 
13.  The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 
14.  Consciousness:  That annoying time between naps. 
15.  Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?   
16.  Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 
17.  Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up. 
18.  Procrastinate Now! 
19.  I have a degree in liberal arts;  do you want fries with that? 
20.  A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 
21.  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 
22.  Stupidity is not a handicap.  Park elsewhere! 
23.  They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 
24.  He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 
25.  A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up 
three-thousand-times the memory. 
   Error! Filename not specified.
26.  Ham and eggs.  A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment 
for a pig.  (how true) 
27.  The trouble with life is there's no background music. 
28.  The original point-and-click interface was aSmith & Wesson. 
29.  I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. 
 
       Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!  Life 
is too short and friends are too few!
 
 As a believer we must all know that: "Nothing in life happens to me, it 
happens for me! "

WELCOME TO AMERICA!

MEXICAN WORDS!! The teacher told pepito to make sentences with his spelling words: 1.*cheese*Maria likes me,but cheese fat.2*mushroom*Wen all my family gets in the car, there isnt mushroom3*shoulder*My friend didnt no how to make tacos so i shoulder4*texas*My friend always texas me fwds5*herpes*Me and my friend shared a piza,i got my piece and she got herpes6*july*Ju told me ju were goin to the store, nd july to me!!julyer!! 7*rectum*I had two cars but my wife rectum 8. *chicken*I was going to the store with my wife but chicken go by herself. 9*wheelchair*We only have one soda but its ok wheelchair 10*chicken wing* My mom plays the lottery so chicken wing11. *liver* A bully was messing wit my sister and i told him to liver alone12 *bodywash* I wanted 2 go 2 da bar but no body wash my kids! 13*( budweiser ) That man over there has a nice body, budwieser his face so ugly? Send to everyone who needs a laugh!!.


THANK YOU FOR YOUR EMAILS!! TL

Funny But True! How TRUE!!

Years of Math 1950 - 2010 


Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:



1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?                  

  
   7. Teaching Math In 2010


   Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's property. He won't have a gun to stop you, and the President says it's OK anyway cuz it's redistributing the wealth.

Only Cousin Carol!

This is information no decent well-educated family can be  without..........   Here  are some facts about the 1500s:   They used to use urine to  tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then  once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.......if you had  to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"  But worse than that  were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a  pot...........they "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the  lowest of the low   Most people got married in June  because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still  smelled pretty good by June.  However,  since they were starting to smell . .. .brides carried a  bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.  Hence the custom  today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.   Baths  consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the   house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the  other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.  Last  of all the babies By then the water was so dirty you could  actually lose someone in it.  Hence  the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath  water!"   Houses had thatched roofs-thick  straw-piled high, with no ceiling underneath. It was the only  place for animals to get warm,  so  all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the  roof.  When  it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would  slip and fall off the roof.  Hence  the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."    There was nothing to stop things from  falling into the house.  This  posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other  droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.  Hence,  a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded  some protection.  That's  how canopy beds came into existence.   The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy  had something other than dirt.   Hence the saying, "Dirt  poor."  The  wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter  when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep   their footing.  As  the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you   opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece  of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.   (Getting  quite an education, aren't you?)   In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen  with a big kettle that   always hung over the  fire.  Every  day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.   They ate  mostly vegetables and did not get much meat.  They  would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to  get cold overnight and then start over the next day.  Sometimes  stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.  Hence  the rhyme:  Peas  porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine  days old.   Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them  feel quite special.   When visitors came over, they would hang up  their bacon to show off.  It  was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the  bacon."  They  would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit  around and chew the fat.    Those with money had plates made of  pewter.  Food  with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto  the food,  causing  lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes,  so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered  poisonous.   Bread was divided according to status. Workers  got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,  and guests got the top, or the upper crust.   Lead cups were used  to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock  the imbibers out for a couple of days.  Someone  walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare  them for burial. They  were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the  family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see  if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.    England  is old  and small and the local folks started running out of   places to  bury people.  So  they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-  house, and reuse the grave.  When reopening these coffins, 1  out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the  inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.  So  they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it  through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a  bell. Someone  would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard  shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved  by the bell or was considered a dead ringer...   And that's the  truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !   So . .  get out there and educate someone!   Share  these facts with a friend like I just did! ! !

THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days.......... 

When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea, and a half a dozen eggs.

 You can't do that now.

 Too many f-------- security cameras."

FUN PHOTOS!!

CREATE YOUR OWN FUN FRAME!

FUNNY? ... FUNNY!

Railroad tracks... This is = very interesting.

The  US  standard railroad = gauge distance between the rails) is 4  feet, 8.5 = inches. That's an exceedingly odd 
 number.

Why was that gauge used?
Because that's = the way they built them in England, and English  expatriates = designed  the US  railroads.

Why did the English build them
like that? = Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who = built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge = they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge
then? =  Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs = and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used = that wheel spacing.
 

Why did = the wagons have that
particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if = they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels = would break on some of the old, long distance roads = in England, because that's the spacing of the = wheel ruts. 

  So who = built those old rutted roads?  Imperial Rome built the = first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for = their legions. Those roads have been used = ever since.   


And the ruts in the roads? = Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which
everyone = else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since = the chariots were made for  Imperial  Rome, they were =  all alike in the matter of wheel = spacing.  Therefore the United  States = standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from = the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. = Bureaucracies live forever.   =


So the next time you are handed = a
specification/procedure/process and wonder = 'What  horse's ass came up with this?', you may = be  exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made = just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. = (Two horses' asses.) 

 Now, the twist to the story:   


When you see a Space = Shuttle
sitting on its launch pad, there are two = big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel = tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.  The SRBs are = made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The  engineers who designed the SRBs would = have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be = shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad = line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in = the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through = that
tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than = the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, = is about as wide as two =  horses' behinds.   
  So, a major Space Shuttle = design
 feature of what is arguably the world's = most advanced transportation system was determined over two = thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought = being a horse's ass wasn't
important? Ancient horse's asses = control almost everything... and  CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling =  everything else. 
 

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when 
             they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
 Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes
 to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, 
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often 
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why 
she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. 
(Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman 
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding
 how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. 
Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 
'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT
 say 'you're welcome'.  That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying  ???????????? YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning 
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. 
This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.


* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments 
    they can avoid if they remember the terminology
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!