FROM THE FIELD'S!!

Rodney Dangerfield  Once said:


My  wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to  time an egg.


It's  tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she  won't drink from my glass!

Last  night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee.  The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A  girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went  over. Nobody was home!

A  hooker once told me she had a headache.

I  went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If  it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at  all.

I was  making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going  to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself  now.'

I  knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you  put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes  off.

I  knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex  offenders.

My  wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the  roaches hang themselves.

I'm  so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for  mooning.

The  other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'  He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My  wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for  Alka-Seltzer.

I  know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the  Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My  wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the  meal.

My  wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago  last night.

MY FAVORITE:
My family was so poor  that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play  with.