Hurry Caine!

Just when you think you have heard all of the stupid things that are going on in the US -- this comes along...

Black hurricanes....

 

Well, it appears African-Americans (Sorry TL, emails remember?)have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of  Houston), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

 

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaquille, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

 

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

 

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, that's too hard to understand.

 

I can hear it now:

A weatherman in  New Orleans says...

 

Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a rocket!

Bitch be a category fo'!  So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit.

 

We hope this makes Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee Happy !

GOOD ONE YVONNE!

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working 
out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.

    He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine 
in here should I use, to impress that sweet young 
thing over there?"

         The trainer looked him up and down and said, 
"I'd try the ATM in the lobby"                  

OH MOM!

 A mother is driving her  little girl to her friend's house for a play
  date.

 ' Mommy ,' the little girl asks,  'how old are you?'
 
 'Honey, you are not  supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother
  replied.  'It's not polite.'
 
 'OK',  the little girl says,
 'How much do you  weigh?'
 
 'Now really,' the mother says,
 'those are personal questions and are really  none of your business.'
 
 Undaunted, the  little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a  divorce?'
 
 'That's enough questions,  young lady! Honestly!'
 
 The exasperated  mother walks away as the two friends begin to  play.
 
 ' My Mom won't tell me anything  about her,' the little girl says to her
 friend.
 
 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you  need to do is look at her driver's
 license.
 It's like a report card, it has everything  on it..'
 
 Later that night the little girl  says to her mother, 'I know how old you
 are.  You are 32.'
 
 The mother is surprised and  asks,
 'How did you find that out?
 
 'I  also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
 
 The mother is past surprised and shocked  now.  'How in Heaven's name did
 you find that  out?'
 
 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
 'I know why you and  daddy got a divorce.' **
 
 'Oh really?' the mother  asks. 'Why?'*

 *
 'Because you  got an F in sex.'**
 

YOU HAVE TO BE THERE!

Let's see if this works for you...
FUNNY! FUNNY! FUNNY!!

No strings attached!

ZEN ZEN ALA BEN

1.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just go away and leave me the fuck alone.  

2.Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.  

3.No one is listening until you fart.  

4.Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.  

5.Never test the depth of the water with both feet..  

6.If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.  
7.Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.  

8.If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.  
9.    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.  

10.If you lend someone 20 $ and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.  

11.If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 

12.Some days you are the dog,  some days you are the tree.  

13.Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.  

14.Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.  

15.A closed mouth gathers no foot.  

16.There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.  

17.Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.  

18.Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.  

19.We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our behind ... then things just keep getting worse.  

20.Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

SENIORITY

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, and their kids and grandkids 
have to figure it out, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code) manual:

ATD: At The Doctor's


BFF: Best Friend Farted


BTW: Bring The  Wheelchair


BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth


CBM: Covered By Medicare


CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center


DWI: Driving While Incontinent


FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers


FWIW: Forgot Where I Was


FYI: Found Your Insulin


GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!


GHA: Got Heartburn Again


HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement


IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?


LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out


LOL: Living On Lipitor


LWO:  Lawrence Welk's On


OMMR: On My Massage Recliner


OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.


ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up


SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop


TTYL: Talk To You Louder


WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?


WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again


WTP: Where's  The Prunes?


WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

LENA DARLING

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am .

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

If you don't send this to five friends right away,
There will be five fewer people laughing in the world!

Mark Parisi

I'm sure he wouldn't mind..

It's GREAT!

He must be Great!

I take it back! He "IS" but you didn't hear it from me! tl