OH MOM!

 A mother is driving her  little girl to her friend's house for a play
  date.

 ' Mommy ,' the little girl asks,  'how old are you?'
 
 'Honey, you are not  supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother
  replied.  'It's not polite.'
 
 'OK',  the little girl says,
 'How much do you  weigh?'
 
 'Now really,' the mother says,
 'those are personal questions and are really  none of your business.'
 
 Undaunted, the  little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a  divorce?'
 
 'That's enough questions,  young lady! Honestly!'
 
 The exasperated  mother walks away as the two friends begin to  play.
 
 ' My Mom won't tell me anything  about her,' the little girl says to her
 friend.
 
 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you  need to do is look at her driver's
 license.
 It's like a report card, it has everything  on it..'
 
 Later that night the little girl  says to her mother, 'I know how old you
 are.  You are 32.'
 
 The mother is surprised and  asks,
 'How did you find that out?
 
 'I  also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
 
 The mother is past surprised and shocked  now.  'How in Heaven's name did
 you find that  out?'
 
 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
 'I know why you and  daddy got a divorce.' **
 
 'Oh really?' the mother  asks. 'Why?'*

 *
 'Because you  got an F in sex.'**
 

YOU HAVE TO BE THERE!

Let's see if this works for you...
FUNNY! FUNNY! FUNNY!!

No strings attached!

ZEN ZEN ALA BEN

1.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just go away and leave me the fuck alone.  

2.Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.  

3.No one is listening until you fart.  

4.Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.  

5.Never test the depth of the water with both feet..  

6.If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.  
7.Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.  

8.If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.  
9.    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.  

10.If you lend someone 20 $ and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.  

11.If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 

12.Some days you are the dog,  some days you are the tree.  

13.Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.  

14.Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.  

15.A closed mouth gathers no foot.  

16.There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.  

17.Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.  

18.Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.  

19.We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our behind ... then things just keep getting worse.  

20.Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

SENIORITY

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, and their kids and grandkids 
have to figure it out, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code) manual:

ATD: At The Doctor's


BFF: Best Friend Farted


BTW: Bring The  Wheelchair


BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth


CBM: Covered By Medicare


CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center


DWI: Driving While Incontinent


FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers


FWIW: Forgot Where I Was


FYI: Found Your Insulin


GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!


GHA: Got Heartburn Again


HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement


IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?


LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out


LOL: Living On Lipitor


LWO:  Lawrence Welk's On


OMMR: On My Massage Recliner


OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.


ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up


SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop


TTYL: Talk To You Louder


WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?


WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again


WTP: Where's  The Prunes?


WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

LENA DARLING

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am .

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

If you don't send this to five friends right away,
There will be five fewer people laughing in the world!

Mark Parisi

I'm sure he wouldn't mind..

It's GREAT!

He must be Great!

I take it back! He "IS" but you didn't hear it from me! tl

FROM THE FIELD'S!!

Rodney Dangerfield  Once said:


My  wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to  time an egg.


It's  tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she  won't drink from my glass!

Last  night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee.  The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A  girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went  over. Nobody was home!

A  hooker once told me she had a headache.

I  went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If  it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at  all.

I was  making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going  to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself  now.'

I  knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you  put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes  off.

I  knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex  offenders.

My  wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the  roaches hang themselves.

I'm  so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for  mooning.

The  other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'  He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My  wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for  Alka-Seltzer.

I  know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the  Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My  wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the  meal.

My  wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago  last night.

MY FAVORITE:
My family was so poor  that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play  with.

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

 1.  My husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought 
he was God and I didn't.
 2.  I don't suffer from insanity;  I enjoy every damn minute of it. 
 3.  Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 
 4.  I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 
 5. Don't take life too seriously;  no one gets out alive. 
 6.  You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 
 7.  Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 
 8.  Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 
 9.  I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are just missing.   
10.  Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.   
11.  NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning 
medicine. 
12.  God must love stupid people;  He made so many. 
13.  The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 
14.  Consciousness:  That annoying time between naps. 
15.  Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?   
16.  Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 
17.  Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up. 
18.  Procrastinate Now! 
19.  I have a degree in liberal arts;  do you want fries with that? 
20.  A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 
21.  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 
22.  Stupidity is not a handicap.  Park elsewhere! 
23.  They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 
24.  He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 
25.  A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up 
three-thousand-times the memory. 
   Error! Filename not specified.
26.  Ham and eggs.  A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment 
for a pig.  (how true) 
27.  The trouble with life is there's no background music. 
28.  The original point-and-click interface was aSmith & Wesson. 
29.  I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. 
 
       Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!  Life 
is too short and friends are too few!
 
 As a believer we must all know that: "Nothing in life happens to me, it 
happens for me! "

WELCOME TO AMERICA!

MEXICAN WORDS!! The teacher told pepito to make sentences with his spelling words: 1.*cheese*Maria likes me,but cheese fat.2*mushroom*Wen all my family gets in the car, there isnt mushroom3*shoulder*My friend didnt no how to make tacos so i shoulder4*texas*My friend always texas me fwds5*herpes*Me and my friend shared a piza,i got my piece and she got herpes6*july*Ju told me ju were goin to the store, nd july to me!!julyer!! 7*rectum*I had two cars but my wife rectum 8. *chicken*I was going to the store with my wife but chicken go by herself. 9*wheelchair*We only have one soda but its ok wheelchair 10*chicken wing* My mom plays the lottery so chicken wing11. *liver* A bully was messing wit my sister and i told him to liver alone12 *bodywash* I wanted 2 go 2 da bar but no body wash my kids! 13*( budweiser ) That man over there has a nice body, budwieser his face so ugly? Send to everyone who needs a laugh!!.


THANK YOU FOR YOUR EMAILS!! TL

Funny But True! How TRUE!!

Years of Math 1950 - 2010 


Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:



1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?                  

  
   7. Teaching Math In 2010


   Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's property. He won't have a gun to stop you, and the President says it's OK anyway cuz it's redistributing the wealth.

Only Cousin Carol!

This is information no decent well-educated family can be  without..........   Here  are some facts about the 1500s:   They used to use urine to  tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then  once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.......if you had  to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"  But worse than that  were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a  pot...........they "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the  lowest of the low   Most people got married in June  because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still  smelled pretty good by June.  However,  since they were starting to smell . .. .brides carried a  bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.  Hence the custom  today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.   Baths  consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the   house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the  other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.  Last  of all the babies By then the water was so dirty you could  actually lose someone in it.  Hence  the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath  water!"   Houses had thatched roofs-thick  straw-piled high, with no ceiling underneath. It was the only  place for animals to get warm,  so  all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the  roof.  When  it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would  slip and fall off the roof.  Hence  the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."    There was nothing to stop things from  falling into the house.  This  posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other  droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.  Hence,  a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded  some protection.  That's  how canopy beds came into existence.   The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy  had something other than dirt.   Hence the saying, "Dirt  poor."  The  wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter  when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep   their footing.  As  the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you   opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece  of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.   (Getting  quite an education, aren't you?)   In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen  with a big kettle that   always hung over the  fire.  Every  day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.   They ate  mostly vegetables and did not get much meat.  They  would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to  get cold overnight and then start over the next day.  Sometimes  stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.  Hence  the rhyme:  Peas  porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine  days old.   Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them  feel quite special.   When visitors came over, they would hang up  their bacon to show off.  It  was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the  bacon."  They  would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit  around and chew the fat.    Those with money had plates made of  pewter.  Food  with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto  the food,  causing  lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes,  so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered  poisonous.   Bread was divided according to status. Workers  got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,  and guests got the top, or the upper crust.   Lead cups were used  to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock  the imbibers out for a couple of days.  Someone  walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare  them for burial. They  were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the  family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see  if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.    England  is old  and small and the local folks started running out of   places to  bury people.  So  they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-  house, and reuse the grave.  When reopening these coffins, 1  out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the  inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.  So  they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it  through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a  bell. Someone  would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard  shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved  by the bell or was considered a dead ringer...   And that's the  truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !   So . .  get out there and educate someone!   Share  these facts with a friend like I just did! ! !

THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days.......... 

When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea, and a half a dozen eggs.

 You can't do that now.

 Too many f-------- security cameras."

FUN PHOTOS!!

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