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Monday, May 17, 2010

ERIC


I was having trouble with my computer. 
So I called   Eric, the 11 year old next door, 
whose bedroom looks likeMission Control and 
asked him to come over.Eric   clicked a couple
of buttons and solved the problem. 
As he was walking away, I called after him, 
'So, what   was wrong?  
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless
inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? 
In case I need to fix it again .'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of 
an ID ten T error before?
'No', I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'            
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T     
I used to like Eric,  the little bastard       

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Murder at Wal-Mart!

I have NO idea if this is true! If it IS, then, justice is fair!




Tired of constantly being broke and stuck 
in an unhappy marriage, a young husband
decided to solve both problems by taking out
large insurance policy on his wife with
himself as the beneficiary, and then
arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of
a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious
dark-sideunderworld figure who went
by the name of 'Artie.'  Artie explained to
the husband that his going price for snuffing 
out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said
he was willing to pay that amount,but that
he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he
could collect his wife's insurance money.  
Artie insisted on being paid at least something
 up front,  so the man opened his wallet, 
displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.
 Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly 
agreed to accept the dollar as down payment
 for the dirty deed.

 A few days later,  Artie followed the man's wife 
to the local Wal-Mart store.  There, he surprised 
her in the produce department and proceeded to 
strangle her with his gloved hands.  As the poor 
unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and 
slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto the
 murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living 
witnesses behind,  ol' Artie had no choice but to
 strangle the produce manager as well!

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings 
were captured by the hidden security cameras & 
observed by the store's security guard, who 
immediately called the police. Artie was caught and 
arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the 
police station
Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including 
his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, 

the headline declared...


(You're going to hate me for this...)


'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 


       @ WAL-MART!'


Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff!


I get it from my warped friends
 and then forward it to you!






Monday, May 3, 2010

Take it to the MAX !! Humor in real Life


Leave it to Maxine to come up with a solution
For the ECONOMIC MESS that America is in now!



I bought a bird feeder. I hung
It on my back porch and filled
It with seed. What a beauty of
A bird feeder it was, as I filled it
lovingly with seed. Within a
Week we had hundreds of birds
Taking advantage of the
Continuous flow of free and
Easily accessible food.

But then the birds started
Building nests in the boards
Of the patio, above the table,
And next to the barbecue.
 

Then came the poop. It was
Everywhere: on the patio tile,
The chairs, the table ..
Everywhere!

Then some of the birds
Turned mean. They would
Dive bomb me and try to
Peck me even though I had
Fed them out of my own
Pocket.

And others birds were
Boisterous and loud. They
Sat on the feeder and
Squawked and screamed at
All hours of the day and night
And demanded that I fill it
When it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even
Sit on my own back porch
Anymore.  So I took down the
Bird feeder and in three days
The birds were gone. I cleaned
Up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built
All over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like
It used to be .... Quiet, serene....
And no one demanding their
Rights to a free meal.

Now let's see.
Our government gives out
Free food, subsidized housing,
Free medical care and free
Education, and allows anyone
Born here to be an automatic
Citizen.

Then the illegals came by the
Tens of thousands.  Suddenly
Our taxes went up to pay for
Free services; Small apartments
Are housing 5 families; you
Have to wait 6 hours to be seen
By an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
Behind other schools because
Over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a
Bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
Talk to me in English, and
People waving flags other
Than 'Old Glory' are
Squawking and screaming
In the streets, demanding
More rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
To take down the bird feeder.
 

If you agree, pass it on; if not,
Just continue cleaning up the poop
 

Sunday, April 25, 2010

HEY! It Could Be Anybody!


Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique
used traditionally in Sicily . 
The funny thing is that it really does work.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock
     that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the 
cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The 
soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of
    Nancy Pelosi, the person you are holding underwater.

There!!  See?  It really does work.  You're smiling already. 
Feel free to forward this if you know others who might benefit from this technique.


THEY ARE HERE!


1947
Probably one of the best emails of the year!!!
The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell ,  New Mexico  . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

  Albert A. Gore, Jr..
  Hillary Rodham
  John F. Kerry
  William J. Clinton
  Howard Dean

  Nancy Pelosi
  Dianne Feinstein
  Charles E. Schumer
  Barbara Boxer

  See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
  I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

  No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

A Johnny Joke!

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.


'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we

started cursing.'


The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and

you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he

wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK!  He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets

up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,

slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and

shouts, 'You can just stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a

stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be

Cheerios!'

LUCKY US!

To Those of Us Born


1925 - 1970 :

At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno.
If you don't read anything else, please read what he said.

Very well stated, Mr. Leno.
~~~~~~~~~
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE

1930s, '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank
while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can,
and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies
in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles,
locks on doors or cabinets, and, when we rode our bikes,
we had baseball caps, not helmets, on our heads.

As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats,
no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes
no brakes..

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle,
 and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid
made with real white sugar. And we weren't overweight.

WHY?

Because we were always outside playing...that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we
were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

--And, we were OKAY.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps..
and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes..
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Play Stations, Nintendos and X-boxes. There were no
video games, no 150 channels on cable,
no video movies or DVDs,
no surround-sound or CDs,
no cell phones,
no personal computers,
no Internet and no chat rooms.

WE HAD FRIENDS

and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut,

broke bones and teeth,

and there were no lawsuits from those accidents.

We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles,
or just a bare hand, and no one would call child services to report abuse.

We ate worms, and mud pies made from dirt, and
the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games
with sticks and tennis balls, and ...
-although we were told it would happen-
we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked
on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.


Little League had tryouts

and not everyone made the team.

Those who didn't had to learn

to deal with disappointment.

Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers,
problem solvers, and inventors ever.

The past 50 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas..


We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,
and we learned how to deal with it all.

If YOU are one of those born

between 1925-1970, CONGRATULATIONS!



You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids
before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives
for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids, so they will know
 how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?
~~~~~~~
The quote of the month

by

Jay Leno:


"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,
severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another,
and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time
to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

For those that prefer to think that God is not watching
over us...go ahead and delete this.

For the rest of us.....pass this on.

GARFIELD ON THE OIL CRISIS




A lot of  folks can't understand how we came   to  have an oil shortage here in our  country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple  answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We  just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that  is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located  in:
~~~
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal  Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
North  Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~ & 
Texas
~~~


Our dipsticks are located in DC.......

Any Questions?  NO?  Didn't think so.