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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Biology Exam

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers, it's fresher and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

His Royal Highnie

Yahoo news (which is crappy reporting but in the present, click news) reported that:
Scotland Yard chief Bernard Hogan-Howe, speaking Wednesday, said royal bodyguards were there to protect Harry, not "to regulate his life."
"The role of protection officer is to protect the principal," he said. "Protect the principal from himself, on occasion."
First of all, forget that the tax payers put out this and that. That's a given. I'm not royal, you're not royal and we expect to look after our children until the day we die, or they die whichever comes first. Older families (that is to say, families that life a long life tend to their own for a longer duration, sometimes well past 30's and 40's.
Some of our children need more attention than others. Harry has a lot life he has not lived, but he does need to be protected from himself. He's just one of those kids. Mind you twenty seven, eight and nine are ruckus years.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Don't Ask, It Was An Email!

A good husband

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on his front door.

He opens it to find two state troopers there. He asks if there is a problem.

One of the troopers asks if he is married. He says, "Yes, I am."

The trooper then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife.

The husband says, "Sure," and gets a photo to show them.

The trooper says, "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The husband replies, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it.."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

Thank Joyce for me carol!

Friday, April 6, 2012

Just Kidding!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde. The
blonde cop asked to see her driver's license.
She dug throught her handbag and was getting progressively more
agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman
replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it,
and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde
officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can
go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

more jokes at

Senior Wisdom!

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.
May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.
Robert Burgett

Don't be Sorry! Be Happy!

A good husband

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on his front door.

He opens it to find two state troopers there. He asks if there is a problem.

One of the troopers asks if he is married. He says, "Yes, I am."

The trooper then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife.

The husband says, "Sure," and gets a photo to show them.

The trooper says, "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The husband replies, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Hurry Caine!

Just when you think you have heard all of the stupid things that are going on in the US -- this comes along...

Black hurricanes....

Well, it appears African-Americans (Sorry TL, emails remember?)have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of  Houston), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaquille, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, that's too hard to understand.

I can hear it now:
A weatherman in  New Orleans says...

Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a rocket!
Bitch be a category fo'!  So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit.


We hope this makes Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee Happy !

Thursday, July 14, 2011


An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working 
out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.

    He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine 

in here should I use, to impress that sweet young 
thing over there?"

         The trainer looked him up and down and said, 

"I'd try the ATM in the lobby"                  

Friday, July 8, 2011


 A mother is driving her  little girl to her friend's house for a play

 ' Mommy ,' the little girl asks,  'how old are you?'
 'Honey, you are not  supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother
  replied.  'It's not polite.'
 'OK',  the little girl says,
 'How much do you  weigh?'
 'Now really,' the mother says,
 'those are personal questions and are really  none of your business.'
 Undaunted, the  little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a  divorce?'
 'That's enough questions,  young lady! Honestly!'
 The exasperated  mother walks away as the two friends begin to  play.
 ' My Mom won't tell me anything  about her,' the little girl says to her
 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you  need to do is look at her driver's
 It's like a report card, it has everything  on it..'
 Later that night the little girl  says to her mother, 'I know how old you
 are.  You are 32.'
 The mother is surprised and  asks,
 'How did you find that out?
 'I  also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
 The mother is past surprised and shocked  now.  'How in Heaven's name did
 you find that  out?'
 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
 'I know why you and  daddy got a divorce.' **
 'Oh really?' the mother  asks. 'Why?'*

 'Because you  got an F in sex.'**

Sunday, February 6, 2011


Let's see if this works for you...

No strings attached!


1.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just go away and leave me the fuck alone.  

Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.  

No one is listening until you fart.  

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.  

Never test the depth of the water with both feet..  

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.  
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.  

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.  
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.  

f you lend someone 20 $ and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.  

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 

Some days you are the dog,  some days you are the tree.  

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.  

Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.  

A closed mouth gathers no foot.  

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.  

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.  

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.  

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our behind ... then things just keep getting worse.  

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, and their kids and grandkids 

have to figure it out, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code) manual:

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The 

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's 
The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am .

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

If you don't send this to five friends right away,
There will be five fewer people laughing in the world!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Mark Parisi

I'm sure he wouldn't mind..
He must be Great!

I take it back! He "IS" but you didn't hear it from me! tl

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


Rodney Dangerfield  Once said:

My  wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to  time an egg.

It's  tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she  won't drink from my glass!

Last  night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee.  The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A  girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. 
There's nobody home.' I went  over. Nobody was home!

A  hooker once told me she had a headache.

I  went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If  it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at  all.

I was  making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going  to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself  now.'

I  knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you  put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes  off.

I  knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex  offenders.

My  wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the  roaches hang themselves.

I'm  so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for  mooning.

The  other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'  He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My  wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for  

I  know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the  Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My  wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the  meal.

My  wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago  last night.


My family was so poor  that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play  with.

Sunday, October 31, 2010


 1.  My husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought 
he was God and I didn't.
 2.  I don't suffer from insanity;  I enjoy every damn minute of it. 
 3.  Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 
 4.  I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 
 5. Don't take life too seriously;  no one gets out alive. 
 6.  You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 
 7.  Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 
 8.  Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 
 9.  I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are just missing.   
10.  Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.   
11.  NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning 
12.  God must love stupid people;  He made so many. 
13.  The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 
14.  Consciousness:  That annoying time between naps. 
15.  Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?   
16.  Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 
17.  Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up. 
18.  Procrastinate Now! 
19.  I have a degree in liberal arts;  do you want fries with that? 
20.  A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 
21.  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 
22.  Stupidity is not a handicap.  Park elsewhere! 
23.  They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 
24.  He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 
25.  A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up 
three-thousand-times the memory. 
   Error! Filename not specified.
26.  Ham and eggs.  A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment 
for a pig.  (how true) 
27.  The trouble with life is there's no background music. 
28.  The original point-and-click interface was aSmith & Wesson. 
29.  I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. 
       Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!  Life 
is too short and friends are too few!
 As a believer we must all know that: "Nothing in life happens to me, it 
happens for me! "