FUNNY? ... FUNNY!

Railroad tracks... This is = very interesting.

The  US  standard railroad = gauge distance between the rails) is 4  feet, 8.5 = inches. That's an exceedingly odd 
 number.

Why was that gauge used?
Because that's = the way they built them in England, and English  expatriates = designed  the US  railroads.

Why did the English build them
like that? = Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who = built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge = they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge
then? =  Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs = and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used = that wheel spacing.
 

Why did = the wagons have that
particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if = they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels = would break on some of the old, long distance roads = in England, because that's the spacing of the = wheel ruts. 

  So who = built those old rutted roads?  Imperial Rome built the = first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for = their legions. Those roads have been used = ever since.   


And the ruts in the roads? = Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which
everyone = else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since = the chariots were made for  Imperial  Rome, they were =  all alike in the matter of wheel = spacing.  Therefore the United  States = standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from = the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. = Bureaucracies live forever.   =


So the next time you are handed = a
specification/procedure/process and wonder = 'What  horse's ass came up with this?', you may = be  exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made = just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. = (Two horses' asses.) 

 Now, the twist to the story:   


When you see a Space = Shuttle
sitting on its launch pad, there are two = big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel = tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.  The SRBs are = made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The  engineers who designed the SRBs would = have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be = shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad = line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in = the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through = that
tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than = the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, = is about as wide as two =  horses' behinds.   
  So, a major Space Shuttle = design
 feature of what is arguably the world's = most advanced transportation system was determined over two = thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought = being a horse's ass wasn't
important? Ancient horse's asses = control almost everything... and  CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling =  everything else. 
 

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when 
             they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
 Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes
 to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, 
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often 
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why 
she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. 
(Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman 
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding
 how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. 
Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 
'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT
 say 'you're welcome'.  That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying  ???????????? YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning 
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. 
This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.


* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments 
    they can avoid if they remember the terminology
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

ERIC

I was having trouble with my computer. 

So I called   Eric, the 11 year old next door, 

whose bedroom looks likeMission Control and 

asked him to come over.Eric   clicked a couple

of buttons and solved the problem. 

As he was walking away, I called after him, 

'So, what   was wrong?  

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless

inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? 

In case I need to fix it again .'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of 

an ID ten T error before?

'No', I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'            

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T     

I used to like Eric,  the little bastard       

Murder at Wal-Mart!

I have NO idea if this is true! If it IS, then, justice is fair!

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck  in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-sided underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'  Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing  out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount,but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.   Artie insisted on being paid at least something  up front,  so the man opened his wallet,  displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly  agreed to accept the dollar as down payment  for the dirty deed.  A few days later,  Artie followed the man's wife  to the local Wal-Mart store.  There, he surprised  her in the produce department and proceeded to  strangle her with his gloved hands.  As the poor  unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and  slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the  murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living  witnesses behind,  ol' Artie had no choice but to  strangle the produce manager as well! However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings  were captured by the hidden security cameras &  observed by the store's security guard, who  immediately called the police. Artie was caught and  arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station,  Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including  his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper,  the headline declared... (You're going to hate me for this...) 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00         @ WAL-MART!' Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff! I get it from my warped friends  and then forward it to you!